Just like the lore of Springfield in The Simpsons, humanity has lengthy questioned the situation of a mystical realm recognized solely as Flavortown. In 2024, we lastly discovered that Flavortown is in reality Columbus, Ohio and that the inaugural Flavortown Fest will likely be held there this summer season.
From the bleached-blond thoughts of superstar chef Man Fieri, Flavortown Fest will likely be a gathering of meals and music, with acts like Bret Michaels, Greta Van Fleet and Kane Brown confirmed to carry out. The remainder of the lineup has but to be revealed, so we have some suggestions for the Mayor of Flavortown if he is nonetheless seeking to fill his plate with killer acts.
We’re not saying Flavortown will likely be serving human flesh all through the pageant, but when they’re, Cannibal Corpse ought to completely be booked. Everyone knows Corpsegrinder loves himself some BBQ, and if Fieri is bringing all his Downtown Flavortown claw machines to the Ohio pageant grounds, Cannibal Corpse will play the fest rattling close to totally free.
Each pageant needs Metallica to headline, however Man Fieri is an precise “Metallica junkie.” The Mayor of Flavortown professed his Metallica fandom throughout an interview with blink-182‘s Mark Hoppus, however sadly revealed that his spouse would not let him blast metallic at home events. Bummer.
Because the Flavortown Fest is throwing traditional rock and nation into their sonic meals processor, they need to seize bluegrass thrashers The Native Howl. The Michigan band brings good vibes and tons of power… good for when the solar continues to be up and also you’re getting a superb buzz on.
Do you know thrashers Sacred Reich have a funk rock tune referred to as “31 Flavors”? From their 1990 album, The American Approach, “31 Flavors” closes out the file by emulating Religion No Extra‘s fashion, even shouting them out a number of instances within the lyrics. The remainder of the observe is about piling up a fucking tower of ice cream. Bust out the deep minimize at Flavortown Fest!
Dad vibes meets Flavortown? It simply works. It is assured that any human being attending Flavortown Fest has a minimum of a slight appreciation for Fred Durst and the boys. Simply image Fred Durst in a flaming button-down shirt screaming about how he did all of it for the nookie. We’d like this as a species.
For those who’re not Flavortown connoisseurs like us, it’s possible you’ll be unfamiliar with Man Fieri‘s “Motley Que” fashion of BBQ. It is the best way Fieri serves up his pulled pork, whether or not in a sandwich or along with his trash can nachos. Think about watching Mötley Crüe carry out at Man Fieri‘s pageant whereas shoving Motley Que nachos into your facehole. Heaven is really a spot on Earth.
If there’s ever been an viewers for David Vincent‘s (of Morbid Angel and Vltimas) nation facet mission, it is the parents at Flavortown. Look, Bret Michaels is enjoying the fest, so why not one other metallic legend who immediately began sporting cowboy hats? Hell, throw in a bro nation model of “The place the Slime Stay.” It could not be any weirder than what nation music in the end has in retailer for us in 2024.
What’s this? One other flavor-related metallic tune? Add it to the rattling invoice! In 2023, brutal slam metallic band Gutsaw wrote “The Taste of Flesh,” probably after taking only one orgasmic chunk of Fieri‘s Loopy Cuban Sandwich. Throw Gutsaw on at midday as a mid-day appetizer.
It would not matter if he exhibits up with Soulfly, Cavalera Conspiracy or Go Forward And Die, we simply wanna hear some killer thrash whereas chowing down on Max‘s Brazilian BBQ. The metallic legend confirmed Metallic Injection his surefire recipe for grilled hen just a few years again, and it wants the last word Man Fieri seal of approval!
Please Lord, I want a spiky-haired Shifty Shellshock singing “Butterfly” onstage with Man Fieri. I’ve by no means prayed for something in my life, not even in my darkest moments, so please… simply give me this one. Thanks upfront and see you at Flavortown.
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